Sunday, January 18, 2015

Give Me Faith

“Why is light given to him who is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul, who long for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hidden treasures, who rejoice exceedingly and are glad when they find the grave? Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in? For my sighing comes instead of my bread, and my groanings are poured out like water, for the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest, but trouble comes.”  - Job 3:20-26

I am not suffering as Job. Let me just put that out there to begin with. However, I am going through a rough patch, and the last few weeks have been pretty bad. 

But yesterday....yesterday, something happened:

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

OK, so I need to preamble this with what has been going on with me for the last month because otherwise, it won't make sense.

Over Christmas Break, I started showing signs of my anxiety-depression creeping back in, but I chalked it up to PMS and having a household of plague. However, after Christmas, it didn't get better. I was angry all the time and short tempered with the kids. I felt exceedingly tired, and mostly just wanted to be alone. So, I decided to start a half-dose of a mild anti-depressant. I coupled that with some lifestyle changes - I stopped coffee, stopped sugary snacks, increased vegetables and fish in our diet, stopped watching TV at night, went to bed earlier, got up early and started a morning Bible study.

It worked for about a week and a half, but the symptoms started to creep back in the Friday before last. So, I started back to the gym a week ago, hoping that the endorphin rush would help. And it does, for about an hour.

So, Wednesday night, I was sunken way down in a pit of depression. I went to church anyway because Adam thought that prayer and music might lift my spirit, but all it did was focus my mind on just how bad I felt. I broke down during service because I just felt exceedingly alone and sad...I left the sanctuary and went to hide in an unused nursury room, and I wept and I prayed and I wept some more.

And then I went home, and decided to try upping my meds to a full dose the next day, hoping that the depression that I'm feeling in the afternoon is because my morning dose was wearing off. And I'm hopeful that this will work, but I am also realistic that it will eventually not be enough. My history with this particular drug is that it is really effective, but only for a short while.

Thursday wasn't much better, but Friday was, and I could feel the weight of my depression start to lift a bit.

I went to the gym yesterday - trying to make a habit of it, you know. And, I did my normal workout to my normal workout playlist - a bunch of pop/alternative pop/R&B stuff: Lauren Hill, Pink, Adele, etc... but at the beginning and end, I always stretch to a slow song. So, I got the end of my workout, and I'm feeling pretty tired and pretty weak and I go to stretch, and my playlist runs out. Before I can exit out and go find a song, this song starts to play: "Give Me Faith" -

And I thought, just for a moment, that my iTunes had just gone on autopilot and pulled song out of my library, but I looked and on the top right corner was the song price...and I was really confused at that point. I don't own this song...but it's playing the whole thing. This isn't a preview....

I hit the back button, but it just backed out to my playlists, not to the radio or anything, and then, I heard the lyrics:

And, I literally started crying in the middle of Planet Fitness. I mean, I have been struck by praise and worship music before, but there are only a handful of times that I have been completely humbled by how God is trying to reach out to me - to me of all people - and let me know that He hears me.

So, that's what happened yesterday...I'm still amazed at it.

Praise God for His faithfulness because I would not seek Him if He did not seek me first.

No comments:

Post a Comment