(Galatians 5:1 ESV)
Being a control freak has both positive and negative connotations.
On one hand, it can be seen as a sign of leadership skills. On the other hand, it can be seen as arrogant. "I know what I want, and I know how I want it, and well if I don't get my way, watch out." Now, this is not to say that I'm a brat. I don't think that I'm mean-spirited about it. I am just really, really, REALLY uncomfortable with someone else telling me what to do and how to do it.
Now, I know that even if I have thought long and hard about something, that doesn't necessarily mean it's the right or best idea. It's just the one I am most comfortable with - the one that I have built up in my mind.
Being controlling like this leads to any number of problems - but the most difficult one for me to deal with has been the toll it has taken on my emotions.
When I feel out of control, I get a mix of angry and anxious. I lash out in a useless attempt to force whatever is out of my hands back into submission. I have yelled at my children, my husband, strangers in cars in front of me, inanimate objects, my dogs...I have yelled at an empty sky - at God.
Anger is underscored by anxiety, and anxiety leads me to act foolishly. I over plan, over prepare, try to use every mental faculty I can muster to snuff out any stress-creator the moment it pops its head into my line of sight, but at that moment, I panic. I get tunnel vision and lose all rational thinking ability. All I can focus on is making it stop. Just stop.
Both give way eventually to depression, to an unhealthy level of resignation. I feel overwhelmed and helpless. I withdraw. I lose my voice to the sustained silence of despair. I feel nothing, see nothing, take joy in nothing. I wait for the worst - hope for the worst - because in my mind, it couldn't possibly be worse that where I am.
I have been a slave to my emotions. Put in chains by my depression; yoked by my anxiety; whipped by my own anger.
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
but with the humble is wisdom." (Proverbs 11:2 ESV)
What I have been thinking about lately and learning about lately is the destructiveness of the sin of pride. And pride is BIG problem for me.
I am so prideful in my own abilities that I try to control all things - as if I could. That is the sin of pride. I have to let go of this mindset that I can do anything, much less everything. I can do nothing, nothing at all, unless God gives me the strength, knowledge, and opportunity to use whatever gifts He gave to me to affect the world in a way that He sees fit.
"Be angry, and do not sin." (Ephesians 4:26 ESV)
This has become my new mantra at times when I feel my stress level rise and my anger surge. Anger is an emotion, not a sin, but what you do with that anger, how you let it take hold of you, that's the sin. Job was angry, and he questioned God, but in the end, Job was never arrogant - never prideful.
So, my challenge now is to let go of my pride before it ever becomes anger. And it is hard. HARD. But, in the end and by the grace of God, I will be a better mother, a better wife, a better citizen, and a better disciple because of it, giving all glory to God.
"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5 ESV)
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